Chinese Courier Service

Have a good laugh with this Chinese delivery. Enjoy its innovative delivery method, the Chinese way... forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!!! IF U DARE... J J J

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from United States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it!

When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ah Ma body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ah Ma ' s body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ah Ma ' s feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah Boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei ' s and Ah Lien ' s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah Ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys.

The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ah Ma ' s left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei , Ah Ma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ah Ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong also not felling well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too... '

Technical Glitch - Girlfriend 7.0 & Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

___________________________________________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1..0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony - Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ...

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Maths is just so easy...

Maths is about logic, and this is what logic is all about...

Interesting Pantun

This pantun was circulated before March 8th, 2008 while some of the character is still "in business"...

Bocor teruk kata Samy
Wiring lama kata Ramli
Bangunan tua kata Nazri
Najib said it's PWD
Semua ada alasan sendiri
But where you all spent the money?
RM90 juta untuk cantikkan lobby
So that it looks luxury
Nice décor and nice settee
But now you kena letak baldi
Bocor teruk when it rains heavily
MP yang busuk pun boleh mandi
The floor is wet and slippery
The luxury lobby now looks untidy
Inilah dia third class mentality
Luar cantik tapi dalam very shoddy
Structure work should get priority
And now whose responsibility
JKR or Parliament Committee
While you all gaduh sama sendiri
Rakyat want an answer immediately
Otherwise kita tak bagi you undi
Sebab you spent money unnecessarily
You know it is taxpayers' money
So please spend the money wisely.

Doctor

A doctor has some urgent matter coming up. He calls his orderly, Kapal, and tells him "Kapal, I have to go off for the afternoon, we don't want to close the clinic, can you take care of our patients?"

“Yes, sir…” answers Kapal.

The doctor returns the next day and asks: “So Kapal, how did it go?”

Kapal tells him he took care of 3 patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him PANADOL."

"Nice one Kapal, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had fever and I gave him PANADOL, sir" says Kapal.

"Bravo Kapal, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, it was almost 5 pm. I was about to close. Suddenly the door opened and a woman entered like a flame, undressed herself, took off her bra and her panty, laid on the table and shouted:
HELP ME !!!? I have not seen any man for 5 years!!!"

"…? And what did you do, Kapal?" the doctor gets very curious. "Not Panadol, but an injection I believe."

“No sir…" answers Kapal. "I didn't do that, it would not solve the problem. I gave her exactly what she needed!" (scroll down)

Scroll down for the perfect treatment:

GUESS???

GUESS???

EYE DROPS treatment!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

Examination Tricks

Mom, I'm pregnant

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, it will be a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, “Then you try again.”

Why Teaching of Maths & Science in School is Necessary

English for math and science. Because globally people use the language as information and/or technology language at this moment. How dangerous it is if we were to use these words in Bahasa, especially in schools. See example below. 

hardware = barangkeras
software = baranglembut
joystick = batang gembira
plug and play = cucuk dan main
port = lubang
server = pelayan
client = pelanggan

Try to translate this:

ENGLISH:

"That server gives a plug and play service to the clients using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client."

BAHASA:

"Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira itu dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan."

Now You Know...

Marriage can be Fun

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture, and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself - what other problem can be greater than this one?

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet!

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Father to son after exam: Let me see your report card.
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the early warning.

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.

Funny Korean DHL Commercial

Mature Lady Driver

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop:  Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Mother-in-Law

A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral.

As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said, "Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!"

The husband replied, "I know, I thought I saw her move!!"

Grieving

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?".

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".

"No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"

Sin Of Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Ah Beng's Night Course

Ah Beng went to take night courses with the reasoning in future can get promotion or better job.

During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.
Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ... *speechless*

The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ... *speechless + frustrated*

The next day, once again...

Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ... *speechless + frustrated + irritated*

This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?
Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
Ah Beng: ... *fainted*

Men... Oh God!

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Retirement is Different for Everyone

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn was six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a garage sale.'